I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
a search helicopter?!
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
