I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
