The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
