he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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