Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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