My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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