I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
