i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
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