I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
