I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
