If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
