god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
