i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
