we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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