Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
