So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
