everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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