apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
