hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
