my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
