allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
