Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
