I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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