he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
We're not piercing ourselves today.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Pooping to opera.
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