you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
If I die, sorry about rent.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
