She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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