he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
