Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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