I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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