Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
are you so shy because you have an std?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
