This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
