party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
