A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
