I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize