You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
