I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
