This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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