Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
