So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
