Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
