I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
