Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
