I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
being pregnant is like rehab
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Never underestimate the power of titties
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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