Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
