after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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