I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Randomize
