dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
