Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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