we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
my shit smells like andre
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
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