I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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