If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
