I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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