love makes seman taste better
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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