For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
