You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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