the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
