my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
