I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
