You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
