If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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