Actions speak louder than pants.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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