Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
