I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
